You have one. The friend who arrives twenty minutes late, hands you a drink you did not ask for, and asks a question about the moon that derails the entire dinner. They are not a problem. They are the reason the group chat is funny.
Shopping for them is harder than it looks. Every list you find recommends the same six things: a grinder, a lighter that looks like a different lighter, a tray with a mushroom on it, socks. They own all of it. Somebody already gave them the socks. Twice.
What they do not own is a shirt that describes them accurately. Here are four, all $30, all unisex, free Economy shipping in the continental US.
For the one who greets every dog before every human
This is the shirt for the friend who will walk past you at a party, make direct eye contact with a golden retriever, and be gone for forty minutes. They ask permission every time, which is the polite part. They ask it in a way that answers a question nobody asked, which is the funny part.
It also happens to be one of the three shirts in the catalog with a real five-star customer review on it, which is not something we can say about most of them yet.
For the one who takes an edible and then leaves
Faith is the correct word. An edible is a decision you make ninety minutes before you find out whether it was a good one. The person wearing this shirt has made that decision many times and has never once adjusted their estimate.
Good for the friend who says "I don't think it's working" at 8:40 and is unreachable by 9:15.
For the one who is convinced they are subtle
They are not subtle. They have never been subtle. They have, however, developed an elaborate and deeply committed performance of normalcy that involves speaking slightly too clearly and asking follow-up questions about your job.
Everyone knows. Everyone has always known. Nobody has said anything, because watching the performance is the best part of the evening.
For the one who has three unfinished projects and a great idea
The half-built shelf. The screenplay outline in the notes app. The bread starter with a name. This person genuinely does make things, and the ratio of things started to things finished is nobody's business but theirs.
If you have ever heard someone describe procrastination as "ideation" with a completely straight face, this shirt already respects them.
Sizing, shipping, and the part where you have not asked their size
All four are unisex, printed on soft combed cotton, and run true. If you do not know their size, buy the one you would guess and include the gift receipt. Nobody has ever been offended by a gift receipt.
Shipping is free on Economy in the continental US, which takes five to eight business days. If you are reading this in the third week of December, pay for the faster option and do not think about it again.
If the person you are actually shopping for is not this friend, our guide to funny gifts for people who are hard to shop for covers the ones who say they do not want anything and mean it just enough to ruin your December.
